These days I follow a more inner way but not without a habitual urge to still look to the external world for some kind of reassurance or security in some way. I realize in a heartfelt way that any sense of security is illusive and the connection to the outer world is in general in a more simple natural way, than before; in a way that turns me back towards the inner way. I have more doubt than ever that I will find what I need looking externally but I do desire to know how it is I can be helpful in the world although I seem to be increasingly not of it.
So much has changed in the last six years for me since the time that I went to Nepal to live for two years and I feel that now everyday I am coping with changes. At 60 years of age I have no idea where I will end up and how further changes will affect me in coming years or where I will be. My wife was talking to me today about going to Burma for an extended period of time. We have been there on three occasions already. I can say that at more times than not I feel child like in my ability to be with life. There is no security in that other than the security in knowing that I am following a most important commitment to myself which is to follow the inner light that is authentic. In being true to myself I find that place of love and compassion in my way of being with others. Actually there is no distinction between what is authentic in me and what is authentic in life and following this does not contribute to a separation from others. We must intimately know ourselves before we can know others in fact intimately knowing ourselves is knowing others.
I can’t say that I am overwhelmed with fear as a child might be about my future and I experience the same sense of mystery and wonder and enchantment more often than I experience fear. Maybe it is not the child that experiences the fear but more the conditioned being that the child becomes that does. But I see these days in myself that this conditioning is having a reduced effect on me although it does appear and however i wish that it didn’t, it inevitably appears as an influence in my writing. I don’t feel any wiser or happier these days but I feel that I am ready to continue living and engaging in life.
I began writing this blog when I began my stint in Eastern Nepal. I don’t know why I continued with the blog after I left. I contemplated and questioned what I should do on numerous occasions and ended up continuing with it having no clear intent as to why I was doing it. Perhaps it is out of the urge to look to the external world and make some sense of it. I am connected to it, however much less than I was at an earlier time although with increasing doubt that I will find meaning or happiness there. I have come to a point where I am ending the blog.
I may continue with some form of a blog here but I will make this decision after some time away and I will probably not include my own reflections in the future.