I have long let go of the need to look to an outside source to find my way. If I find myself wandering I know enough that it is a shift in awareness that will bring me back.
I am headed back to Germany today. Yesterday I took the bus from Peterborough to Oshawa. Getting off the bus I made the decision to walk a ways. I am an avid walker. I think that the beginning of my love for walking was as a child walking through the pastures and woodlands at my cottage in Beaverton. From those early days it seemed to be something that I valued as a way to cope with the stress of life. I often did not plan many of these long walks. I was drawn into nature, the forests and the fields and walking in them just seemed to spontaneously unfold in an enjoying of the moment. It often extended to longer distances and times.
I remember when I toured Europe in my forties for a few months walking for forty kilometres in one day through the Annapurna mountains to the Mediterranean coast of Spain with a heavy load on my back. At sixty years of age I still find that I, on occasion , enjoy a ten or fifteen kilometre walk. Yesterday I was in the mood and I ended up walking the eight kilometre distance to my mother’s home, walking along the railroad line, across creeks and through ravines, over fences and along paths. Tears arose at times along the city walk as they do so often these days. They are not sad tears but more have to do with feeling alive and connected to something more than myself. I seem to move away from the illusive problems of the small me that I imagine myself to be at times.
I had to make decisions on my walk at times about what way to go, what direction to take. It was by no means a direct path, but that is almost always okay. There is a sense of mystery and adventure that I have known so often as a child when life was a mystery and adventure. I live today to experience a similar sense of mystery and adventure. It has alluded me at times in my life especially at times that I have been caught up in thought following some way or another rather than paying attention to this deeper connection that exists. Being creative and pursuing a curiosity and being directly engaged in nature and life and all that it has to offer are most important. I realise these days that there is no institutional way or formal path or knowledge that can provide the answers for me. They can perhaps point towards something but in the end I actually become quite stifled if I am diverted by outside expectations of how I should live my life or how I should be. It seems to take me from a freedom “to be” that is discovered within, something that is not-self but that is the source of it, prior to it. From this place I am filled with consideration and compassion for others. Relationship with others does not unfold in a conventional way that may be considered ethically correct.from there. It as well can be somewhat more of an adventure of mistakes taking a wrong turn here and there but I am committed to an open and authentic and natural unfolding and discovery of self and other. There is something of our origins that is more wise than humans believe themselves to be. Sometimes it means that relationships end. But it seems to enable me to bring love and acceptance to relations with others and to myself even as they end.
There is so much these days that has been created and that exists to distract me from this inner truth that I find myself coming back to. I wandered away from it for some time and still do at times but now I understand more completely that it is life that I have lost in my wanderings and it is simply life that I long for, and the tears arise as I become aware in those moments that life can be discovered in the simplest of things and it can be rediscovered in a simple shift in awareness.