How is it that I should I be more secure in my ability to love
Is it to Search out and wrap myself in some belief about the goodness and strength of my self and the power of my love.
And follow some way that should be proof of my love
In a way such a belief is more of a distraction from love itself
In believing in this way I would see the world more through that fixation
And It would not be a part of all that is of the world of being vulnerable, impermanent and unknowable.
What I am is of that and it is inseparable from love. In knowing my self snd the aloneness and vulnerability that it has known I know love as it emerges from this wholeness.
in striving for permanence and something definite and definable we are looking for pieces of something that can not be reduced. It is more of that which is unchanging and irreducible and it is more that love is of an essence that is discovered partly in the realization that the world is this way and from that related awareness that what is cherished in this moment is all that there is.
I trust more these days in a way that is more of the heart than this quality of belief and defining in and
From all this I understand that If I am inevitably to lose something that I have come to cherish
And if it is love that i have truly known it will help me to come to acceptance and openness and from that to an awareness that the love that I have once known has become in an ineffable way a part of me.
I see no need to define and refine love only to experience what Is authentic of what I am
Through inquiry we move from knowledge to mystery. In coming to realize the mystery the truth of being is revealed to us. In being we realize how little we know. Life is a mystery and what we seek to realize is ineffable so what good does it do to attempt to communicate to another our experience of not knowing.
I don’t know, but communicating in the form of languages is what people do. If we understand that the form of language and words does not directly reveal the truth as we have been conditioned to believe that it does than we can come to use it more as a tool in our search, ultimately to discover for ourselves the mystery of it all. There is a different kind of knowing and relating to life from that, but don’t take my word for it. There is something in that discovering for ourselves that brings us to a deeper connection with the universe. Maybe it is that we have believed too much in what has been told to us or what has been written and conveyed as truth in the form of knowledge and that there is liberation in coming to a more direct experience of life than we have known in our conditioning. Language is useful as a tool if we realize the limitations of it. For me it has served best in pointing to something that I can explore and experience directly for myself.
Life is not easy at times but is life suppose to be? We expect that our search for certainty and security will bring us happiness and then we are surprised that we are not able to cope with the uncertainy that we cant seem to eliminate in our search for happiness. When we do find the comfort and security of our dreams there is a sense of complacency and that seems to linger right along with it.
The Happiness of Uncertainty
Part of the reason we try to understand the causes of our experience is that we believe we can make these experiences happen again. The problem is, understanding also makes the experience less valuable, because we adapt to it. It’s surprising things, uncertain things, things we don’t fully comprehend that seem to bring us the greatest and longest-lasting happiness.
– Daniel Gilbert, “The Pleasure Principal
What else should we attend to? We have all been conditioned and have egos that reflect that limited reality. Despite that most of us desire to understand a deeper truth and reality of what we are. The human collective reflects this ego consciousness present in individuals in a way that the world that we have created is ordered to that collective world view. There is a part of me that would like to contribute to creating a different world deeper than egoistic concerns are able and a part that has actively attempted to change things in life to better suit my own preferneces; a difficult balance that requires astute maintainance. However this has been the case I am coming to realize that I can’t make a square peg fit into a round hole. I ultimately don’t think that anything I might do or that any one else should do would be able to create the changes that my ego desires. If it were possible it wouldnt occur without consequences, possibly creating disruption elsewhere.
Ultimately I am beginning to understand that it is only in our conditioning that we feel the need to turn ourselves into a round peg or to change the world so that should be a better fit for our unique identity. In awareness I turn more to a hope and to a faith that arises out of an unconditioned awareness and to honouring what it is of my consciousness that arises from my essence that guides me beyond the need to know. We are not what we have come to be conditioned to think that we are.
Most of us have learned early in our lives to strive for perfection. In a way, living in darkness has something to do with the belief that we are imperfect and the action of fixing that flaw in ourselves. Much of our conscious time has to do with efforts to whitewash our darkness. Waking up for me has had to do with learning to question the existence of the darkness and to enter into it and to come to know it intimately. I see better these days the perfection of being imperfect as a human that I am.
Some of the inspirations for me in my life have been Krishnamurti, Osho, Ken Wilber, Alan Watts and Chogyam Trungpa. These have all been controversial individuals who I have heard ongoing commentary regarding their imperfection and questionable ways and history. But I have fared no better than them in my ways of the past and if nothing else they have demonstrated to me that there is a place for tolerance and an understanding of what is involved in coming to resolution.
For me I cannot change how I have been self fixated and unaware. Only in presence can I see into the darkness, the things that obscure my seeing. I must come to trust more in that than to outside commentary of those that think they are able to understand the whys and where fors of what makes people do what they do. In realizing the imperfection that we humans are I have doubts about the assertions that are made on behalf of those who claim to know. But isn’t this the human way, assertions of knowing things that they have limited awareness of? And limited awareness of the consequences of their positions.