After searching for so many years of my life, I have only recently come to see how I have not been real in how I have lived. I had an inkling at times, that how I lived was influenced by a story that was somehow arbitrarily created and that it perpetuated pretension, but I am only now beginning to truly come out from those influences that have taken me away from a more authentic understanding of existence. But this is how it has been and I am grateful for this life and for finally coming to see with more clarity than I once knew. It has been hard work to leave the “story line” and to open to truth. I wonder at times if the degree of difficulty and impact of this kind of opening is more than most can cope with. I am not judgemental of others in their inability to leave their conditioned ways. I have, ultimately, been entrapped in this way as well. Now I am more aware of the consequences for our actions however awake or in ignorance we might be: consequences that are beyond the impact of what I might think of others. I also now understand that we are humans and imperfect and limited in that way and that we can come to experience greater empowerment from that awareness rather than in pursuing perfection.
To know the truth has always been a huge motivation for me in life, although the journey to discover it has taken me to many dead-ends. I hope that it will continue to be, through the workings of grace, something that is revealed to me despite the reality that it is isolating in its breadth. Confronting it can bring pain and discomfort. I suspect this is why it has been lost to us in the first place. Most of all, I hope , that I am not somehow deceived in what I discover to be true. Never the less in the awareness that I have, I must, as part of my intent to be authentic, encounter and confront my perceptions of those revelations and references that are less truthful, just as those who are not awake are compelled to live the beautiful lie. The pursuit of truth is as well fuelled by an awareness that this planet earth, and myself, for that matter can no longer tolerate the consequences of the “beautiful lie”. What humans have done to others and to this planet and all other beings that have existed here, has been of immense brutality and is the greatest of disasters. And I wonder when we will come to collectively awaken to this realization, if ever we will. From the current state of the world it would seem that the answer would be, in no time soon. I understand the great burden that is carried in coming around to truth, but, in present time, much more than any time in the past the burden of the lie may be at its greatest and at a point of crisis so in that awareness and with the hope of interacting with others from a place of truth I will continue with this process of opening to, exploring and discussing what is true and what is not.
“Suffering is not enough. Life is both dreadful and wonderful…How can I smile when I am filled with so much sorrow? It is natural—you need to smile to your sorrow because you are more than your sorrow.”
Thích Nhất Hạnh