Directly Experiencing

In my living these days I encounter an ongoing and fluctuating surge of feeling of various intensities, not in connection with thoughts, rather more emanating from within. I can’t describe the quality of my experience as good or bad or sad or happy but of containing elements of all of these, maybe also some fear and feeling vulnerable at times. It is not something that I perceive to be a psychological aspect of who I am, or am I focused on fixing or altering it. It is more something integral to what I am that I accept and allow to arise and that I seem to be coming to be able to live with. There has been an adjustment involved in all of this. My tendency in the past has been to apply effort and will to attempt to induce desired and familiar states of being. I have now come to a place not to need to know or understand it through conventional ways or analysis. I do wonder if it has something to do with a shift away from habitually looking to control life and coming to a place of allowing “what is” to arise. It seems to involve a settling in to a way that is more real and natural and letting go of past habit. It definitely involves a way of relaxing will or effort.
I am attempting, here, to authentically describe my experience but I am not sure how much I am able to capture the truth of it or how permanent it might be. I can’t say that I really know what these are or how I should or should not be at this point in life although I have a strong sense that conventional ways are distracting. These days there is more of an awareness that there is nothing of myself that I need to become or to perfect or to change. All effort to do so leads me away from an authentic being and the realization of what is.

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