Not in Striving

I want to understand who I am (if anybody), and how I’m connected to the rest of it. And yes, I want to stop suffering and I want to help others stop suffering.

When I was in despair, time passed slowly, so slowly. Now it sweeps by faster and faster, gathering momentum; now the shortness of life stuns me.
— Susan Moon

It’s not in striving to improve or perfect myself or in effort to become something other or to change what I am that I am focused in my living despite the fact that it very often seems to be the focus of  others who follow Buddhist and other spiritual disciplines.  From those individuals,  I very often hear words that imply that one should be and act in a certain way and as well  I so often encounter a deferring to teachers and teachings that seems more to suggest that I should ignore a more direct and intimate experience and inner revelations. So often it is pursued in a way, it seems,  so that they might bring peace and a reduction in stress, with the intent that one might be better equipped to live a life as they have come to be molded and conditioned to do, so that they might better fit in or be more successful; ultimately, I surmise in the hope that one comes to be more content and accepting of one self. For me it is other wise, in that the way is more towards a way that is accepting of what I truly am illuminated by a way of being that I have forgotten myself to be of. It is in this that I am most aware of what is authentic,  or not, as it relates to my existence. In that awareness another quality of internal light provides guidance. And that is what I am most concerned about. I have no doubt that in that orientation to what is authentic of myself there is an experience of contentment that is not as we might imagine it to be. It is not of a conventional notion of what comfort and peace of mind might be however it is we might perceive it  to be and it does not seem to me that truth is discovered in striving for this ideal. It is more for me in the  search for truth and in that a shift has occurred that involves adjustment and acceptance of a way that involves endless, ongoing change and all the discomfort that this might bring that is inevitably a part of life and death and a new way of coping  and living and dyeing with that.

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