In addressing a very common felt sense of inner disturbance or whatever one might call a general feeling of discomfort about life, it might be that it is not a matter that must be corrected or cured or something that our conventional ways of problem solving will resolve. Our conventional cures have not helped to clear my own existential disease. I have found that no short term intervention can address the dilemma authentically and directly. Our human reliance on modern methods, thinking, problem solving and analysis tends to reduce and radically fragment investigation, conclusions and understanding and most often create new and additional symptoms.
Ecologically considered it is clear that there is something lacking in our individual experience. I sense that perhaps it is not that my individual verbal account is true” or “not true” but rather it is more about the way, that I have come to experience life and relate to myself , others the earth and nature. The conditioning of individuals in general in our modern civilization and the consequences of this require that we become aware of a lost connection; that something has been lost in the awareness of what I am and how that is inseparable from everything and everyone else. From that, I in turn function in a way that is ignorant of the consequences and understanding of my unconsidered and unrealized actions. Its as Schopenhauer writes about the “will” that it can resolve its predicament only by negating itself.
We feel, but our lives are unfeeling. We see, but we walk around blindly, and we hear, but we are deaf to the stunning symphony of life. We talk but our words are not connected to our direct experience of living and the things that we are inseparable from. We read books that keep us trapped in a loop of being lost to the deeper experience of living. We have brought that upon ourselves in our search for security and we dont realize how we have become trapped in all that we have come to do. We accept what we are told is needed to be learned and we don’t look to our own innate ability to discover truth in our direct connection to the natural world and through inquiring into what is real and not.
Some have There are far too many forms of stimulation and busyness in our daily lives that interfere with the development of a quality of awareness that enables us to see how we have become lost. As well, we often fear the awareness that comes with solitude, for in it, we see ourselves for who we truly are, and what our lives have become. We seem to prefer the artificial comfort of our dreams to reality.
Its as if I am opening and as I open I inevitably encounter intense experiences that somehow have become locked and stashed away. I am reduced to a fumbling emotional mess at times. At least that is how it feels. As if I am small and insignificant. Maybe it is that the self that I had become, (conditioned and shaped into) is small and to let it go I must encounter the truth of it. There is acknowledgement that it is inadequate;
at best limited in its ability to negotiate lifes unfolding. It wants things its own way and sees anything that contradicts its selective understanding as a barrier of some sort. There is no willingness to get to know and explore and to see the truth of relation to life and all that is part of it and the relativity and limitation of our beliefs and mostly the habitual impulse to separate and hold at arms length all that has been separated. In an honest exploration one can see that there is no separate object as it has been defined.
My unfolding experience is that I dont really know many of the things that I have in the past,believed to know. It seems that my attachment to knowing was often more about defending thinking that had come to define who I was. Thoughts were the foundation for creating that boundary and there was a defence of that, however true or not those thoughts may have been. Reflection in any depth about them was minimal. Most of all they seemed to provide something of substance for an identity however vapourous that might have been.
I spend more time in inquiry and reflection these days and arising from that is the awareness of the illussion in many of those claims to know, to the point that my “self identity” as I have known, has come into question. There is a sense of vulnerability experienced in removing that arbitrary boundary of ” self” and from that there is still the need to defend something of what I am that still arises out of that vulnerability. I am more tempermental than I was in my armour and I wonder at times if I am not in fact afflicted with “low self esteem”. But perhaps it is “no self esteem” that I am experiencing. I wonder if my apprehension in experiencing sirectly this increasing sense of vulnerability that comes with letting go of a superficial self is behind it all.
But what of life is revealed in the ability to directly experience and reflect on it without the need to attend to and maintain an artificial vaneer of self definition? Increasing glimpses of it ultimately reveal that there is an experience of “being” and “knowing” beyond anything that those more conventional ways and methods permited. A task at hand may be to somehow come to cope with how others continue to define and cast me from there own self definitions. Our illussions are real to the perceiver; however superficial they may be so ever changing and unfolding. This increase in temperment and rebellion is perhaps more of a reaction to others need to define me and other people in their lives. Despite the futility of that reaction I am not ready to let go. Possibly, it will soften as there is a settlling into this vulnerability; as I see the contradiction that thought creates. As Rupert Spira suggests ” The reality of experience is all that is ever knowm, and yet it can not be known by thought.”
At the point, when the mind bows before the manifestation of grace, the recognition takes place—consciousness knows itself. From Francis Lucille
I am more aware these days that finding nothing has been in fact finding everything. I spend each day,, noticing that the mind wants to know! But the mind that knows, knows nothing. The mind wants to know in order to become somebody. So it’s best to keep it simple.these days finding that place where I am not looking.
I am aware of some resistance to external individual and collective influences that are habitually focused on a search for happiness. This type of searching surrounds me. Other ” somebodys” are generally not so comfortable with this sense of nothingness and a non personal consciousness that I value so much. Our dominant social and cultural conventions promote an endless pursuit of “becoming” and “searching” for something to make our lives better. Fullfillment of promises are seldom realized. I am inseparable from all others and I am affected by what their experience is and the burden seems to be heavy at times.
So I spend each day, these days, looking for “nothing” as a refuge from that place of “searching” and/or “becoming”. It is a place free from concept and belief system; more a place of “being” prior to habitual and conditioned perceptions and tendencies that serve to separate. When I am remembering “being”, I am “experiencing” self, inseparable from all others and all else in a much more direct and authentic way than what I do in “becoming.”
I know nothing and because of that “fitting in” is a problem, mostly because humans are raised to believe that they must know. I am learning to be more comfortable with this mystery of a way of not knowing. My curiosity is as intact as it was when I was a child, I am still exploring and investigating into my sixties but with less of an urgency to know but more to experience. There is a knowing that comes with direct experience but it is more an awakening of something intuitive. Part of that is the awareness that what is believed to be true can get in the way of the direct experience of truth which is ever changing and unfolding and which paves the way for a more intimate and non verabal understanding and way of relating to life and living.