Settling Into Direct Experience

My unfolding experience is that I dont really know many of the  things that I have in the past,believed  to know. It seems that my attachment to knowing was often more  about defending  thinking that had come to define who I was. Thoughts were the foundation for creating  that boundary and there was a defence of that, however true or not those thoughts may have been.  Reflection in any  depth about them was minimal. Most of all they seemed to provide something of substance for an identity however vapourous that might have been. 

 I spend more time in inquiry and  reflection these days and arising from that is the awareness of the illussion in many of those claims to know, to the point that my “self identity” as I have known, has come into question. There is a sense of vulnerability experienced in removing that arbitrary boundary of ” self” and from that there is still the need to defend something of what I am that still arises out of that vulnerability. I am more tempermental than I was in my armour and I wonder at times if I am not in fact  afflicted with “low self esteem”. But perhaps it is “no self esteem” that I am experiencing.  I wonder if my apprehension in experiencing sirectly this increasing sense of vulnerability that comes with  letting go of a superficial self is behind it all. 

But what of life is revealed in the ability to directly experience and reflect on it without the need to attend to and maintain an artificial vaneer of self definition? Increasing glimpses of it ultimately  reveal that there is an experience of “being” and   “knowing” beyond anything that those more conventional ways and methods permited.  A task  at hand may be  to somehow come to cope with how others continue to define and cast me from there own self definitions. Our  illussions are real to the perceiver; however superficial they may be so ever changing and unfolding. This increase in temperment and rebellion is perhaps more of a reaction to others need to define me and other people in their lives. Despite the futility of that reaction I am not ready to let go. Possibly, it will soften as there is a settlling into this vulnerability;  as I see the contradiction that thought creates. As Rupert Spira suggests ” The reality of experience is all that is ever knowm, and yet it can not be known by thought.”

2 thoughts on “Settling Into Direct Experience

  1. Thinking in terms of self esteem can be a problem, as Albert Ellis pointed out. The problem is that self esteem needs constant work to maintain. It’s always vulnerable. We may esteem ourselves because of our job, but what happens if we lose that job? We always need to have some evidence that we are worthy of that esteem. The alternative is self-acceptance. Acceptance is an attitude and doesn’t need to be based on evidence. And it allows us to move beyond egotism, to truly open up to the wider world, because that which is simply accepted can easily be forgotten about for a time. Our self-esteem is our armour, while self-acceptance gives us the strength and courage to go naked in the world.

    • Yes My own experience is that thinking can be very creative in terms of problems it creates. I think the conditioned mind thinks in terms if self worth unless of course as you write one stops thinking or until it is seen in awareness.

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