These days I find myself less engaged in spinning in search for something to grasp onto or believe in. The impulse to do so still seems to arise at times but ultimately I realize that to want to believe in something is mostly about seeking self assuredness which is at odds with the reality of life that; all is unfixed and ever changing. As well this constant need for affirmation takes me away from moments of solitude where I am able to see through the endless futility of such habitual tendencies. However much at times I find myself wanting what is validating, familiar and permanent, there is something of me that desires to know truth more than it relishes comfort of deluded knowing. Truth is discovered and realized in freedom. There is something of me that knows that somehow I can find that in spite of this rigid and familiar self that I find to be dragging on behind me. It was somehow a necessary creation for a time but its relevance is less apparent these days. It gets more in the way of seeing clearly than being helpful. I now deeply question its authenticity. All that I am involved in that contributes to self assuredness seems to add on to the baggage and unnecessary load of delusion.
It is in stillness, opening and letting go that I come to see that it is my attachment to this load that interferes with deeper realizations and a more intimate truth of self and being. Grasping on to conventions, culture and habitual ways can be part of that compromise. It is not in a stability found in the embracing if doctrine, convention and structure that I find freedom but in what they shelter me from. It is in those moments of vulnerability when I am able to let go as long as I can bear to, that I am most alive. If I am able to open beyond all of this I seem to “be” in life in a more creative, passionate and authentic way.
An anti-fascist film produced in the wake of the second world war has gone viral in the wake of the white supremacist rally in Charlottesville that culminated in one person being killed and 19 injured this weekend.
The world does not belong to humans. Humans belong to the world. If we take the time to contemplate we might come to realize that we are more than “our thoughts” that perceive in fragments or analysis that is reduced to pieces of thoughts: that fuel concepts that are detached from the real experience of life and the world. Our thoughts are limited in this way and it is in being stuck in perceptions that reflect a separateness that we flounder. In turn we look for wholeness that we are missing in this perception in ways that are oriented to seeing only parts and pieces and that can not enable us to comprehend the depth of our connection.
Daniel Quinn writes “Homo sapiens was born being shaped. He was born a member of the community that was shaping him. Not exempt from membership by virtue of his greater intelligence. Not isolated from the rest by virtue of his capacity to wonder and dream. Not aloof from the rest by virtue of his knowing that he was unlike the rest in these ways. A part of the rest. And being a part of the rest, Homo sapiens was shaped. Shaped not by nothing. Shaped not by ignorance. Shaped by belonging to the community of life. Which was itself being shaped. The community itself was being shaped. The matter was being handled. Not by man. The shaping of the world was not in man’s hands. It was in other hands, which had shaped it from the beginning.
Daniel Quinn “Ishmael” https://www.cliffsnotes.com/literature/i/ishmael/book-summary
At times I catch myself thinking about and/or striving for security in my actions. There is something habitual and deeply rooted about it. I see it more clearly and realize, in that seeing , that I can otherwise expend my energy in a quality of attentiveness that enables the living of life more directly and fully. But most every where I turn, our social collective is oriented and organized in striving for security.
I now question the notion that we can achieve a place of security as we might imagine it to be. Allowing ourselves to feel the raw emotion behind our striving is essential and might mean to feel the insecurity more mindfully with awareness instead of blindly reacting to it. From there learning to live with it in a different way is fundamental in coming to live more fully. Ultimately I contemplate where this insecurity originates from. Is it something substantial real or have I created it with my thoughts. What is it. Can it be fixed or eliminated? Is it an inseparable part of being.
Krishnamurti writes that when we close the windows and doors of our house and stay inside, we feel very secure, we feel safe, unmolested. But life is not like that. Life is constantly knocking at our door, trying to push open our windows that we may see more; and if out of fear we lock the doors, bolt all the windows, the knocking only grows louder. The closer we cling to security in any form, the more life comes and pushes us. The more we are afraid and enclose ourselves, the greater is our suffering, because life won’t leave us alone. We want to be secure but life says we cannot be; and so our struggle begins. – Krishnamurti, Life Ahead, p 54
When I am feeling insecure I look to my thoughts to find relief ; perhaps to thoughts of something that I do well or that I have.
This seems to give me a boost in sense of security, psychologically? Thought has its place; but when thought assumes that it can bring about psychological security then I question the practical use and reality of that process. It seems that we can turn to thoughts regardless of how much they represent a realistic notion or not for this security. So hiw real is our sense if security.
I appreciate Krishnamurti's reflections on thought and security. "Thought wanting ultimate security has created many delusions, religion being one of them. Humanity seems to cling to many of these ideas and romantic illusions. When the mind, psychologically, seeks security in the dogma of the Church, or some other dogmatic assertion, or whatever it is, it is seeking security in the structure and/or function of thought. Thought is the response of experience and knowledge, stored up in the brain as memory; that response is therefore always moving from the past. Now, is there security in the past."