Expressing my Own Experience – Aware of Being Aware

Meditation takes me to a place where I am more aware of my every day, habitual, and unconscious thinking that seems to be part of a learned way. I am more aware of how much of my energy is invested in coping with an underlying sense of existential insecurity. Almost all thoughts arise from this providing a superficial snd delusional sense of security. In meditation I attend more to that sense of vulnerability directly and not to the unconscious effort to superficially minimize it.

I understand that the aversion to the experience of vulnerability is a conditioned phenomenon and why many might find the experience as undesirable turning to conventional interventions to resolve the discomfort. They perceive it as a symptom of something amiss, treating it as something pathological . This serves only to limit perceptual experience and contributes to a greater felt sense of alienation and isolation and to impede a natural unfolding. As James Hillman writes “to get rid of the symptom means to get rid of the chance to gain what may one day be of greatest value, even if at first an unbearable irritant, lowly, and disguised.”

What this vulnerability is, I can not define. It seems to have something to do with a fear of the unknown, a grasping onto something perceived to be known. Our identity is such an item, incomplete and fragmented, yet finite and complete in its perception. It insulates me from insecurity of the unknown from which I have emerged. A consequence of this grasping is something is lost in the rigid, closed and confinement of this approach to living. A diligent attention is required to maintain that superficial veneer, ultimately at the cost of disconnection and isolation.

In entering into the vulnerability there has been a dimension of entering into a place of felt nakedness as the belief in self is shedded. If I can get past that initial response letting go of something that is of questionable substance, something more fundamental and authentic of myself is revealed. In meditation I see beyond the conditioning and the self definition At the same time I am left with how to cope with the sensitivity and that I now experience when I no longer cling to a pseudo armour that has become so familiar.

This insight enables the realization that the material reality that I have lived, was mind-made all along. Conventional wisdom focused on resolving these symptoms is not a way that truth is illuminated. As James Hillman says “It may be the curing away of the soul.”. Sensitivity arising is something to be entered into; an embracing and exploration of experience. There is something more fundamental and profound in existence that is discovered in this way that has not been realized through past efforts to remove, alter or to divert from that experience. A transformation occurs as something more of a life essence is experienced and embraced. Settling into it that includes a more expansive realization of my place in existence. An inherent sense of curiosity and creativity are freed in opening. A focus on meeting more basic needs is as well present but within a context of realizing the bigger picture and my roll of “being” in and a part of that. Its not that I have achieved an ultimate understanding but that there is a newer realization that in openness there is endless unfolding.

A H Almaas writes: This essential activation is the freedom of being, of our true nature, to manifest its myriad possibilities and move us through various awakenings and realizations.

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