In an ongoing way I feel myself opening to something more divine in life. It arises as something “other” than what I have known in my conditioning. The belief in what I was and what I had become is dieing. It was something that had to die before a deeper awareness could reveal what is more authentic of my being.
When I hear others talking about their intentions to improve themselves I am suddenly saddened in the realization that I have been as they are; consumed and lost in a similar way; trying to make myself into something else, unfortunately, utilizing the tools and values of a mechanistic, materialistic rational society that only renders us more adrift. In an ongoing way I feel that in living life authentically there is ongoing opening to something more mysterious and divine in life. It is not separate from a simultaneous sense of felt grief related to how much, however unconscious and habitual it was, for most of my life I have been focused on finding ways to escape from this chronic sense of being lost and unreal. It has not been an easy change to open to a deeper awareness. The organism of self that I had become, perceived change to be a threat to its arbitrary self definition and identity. There was a certain comfort in the familiar way of escaping dissatisfaction and in being in that niche of a conventional identity, as many others around me were. It is a way that remains collectively valued. Ironically, it perpetrated feeling incomplete and ongoing dissatisfaction and reinforced a limited perception and realization of self and reality. My way of coping was to focus on the hope of becoming something different and not having to face the truth of what I had become.
Becoming conscious of this dilemma I allow myself to let go and to surrender, sinking to a more intuitive awareness, beyond thinking and seeking relief in becoming. There are difficult emotions that I must encounter and experience, yet in a new way with new awareness, unfamiliar, to the surface self that I am shedding. Dealing with pain in a more direct and real way can be a difficult step not supported in our indulgent culture.
This is the adventure of life, of the ups and downs, and encountering it free from those traditional values that tend to neutralize the living of life and in so doing influence a deluded, unstable and unfinished perception and foundation. This opening to an unknown brings a new refreshing experience that allows for a settling into acceptance of what I am and how I am changing. In that, what has been lost that is more of a divine and ineffable becoming and unfolding is revealed. As Henryk Skolomowski wrote, “Rationality as the foundation of one’s life leads to a barren and futile life. For rationality is mute about the question of mystery, of human destiny, of the manifestations of divinity.