It is easy to become complacent or to lose focus and forget. For the longest time I have been wandering. I trusted in the wisdom, beliefs and theories of others for my explanation about “why I am here”. In doing so it made every choice in life a blind one. I seemed to have somehow lost touch with a deeper connection to life. In that forgetfulness I was truly confused about myself and life. I found myself with friends, partners and jobs and in communities without a sense of where I was headed or what truly mattered. Life was a collection of events, obligations, disappointments, and moments of relief—a long effort to avoid pain and find pleasure. And happiness became a visitor, showing up at odd moments and disappearing again. The more that I sought happiness, the more it seemed to diminish and in following conventional and traditional beliefs, values and ideals I remained stuck and forgetful.
In repetitive suffering I eventually began to realize the contradictions in how I was living and grasping on to cultural and traditional ways. And to see the futility in attending to endless advice from others, eager to convince me about what life was about and to individuals and groups eager to indoctrinate me into their dogmatic beliefs and religious and/or utopian way. Fortunately, I was usually able to see through the intentions of the vast amounts of individuals invested in profiting in some way from the formulas they shared although from the spinning that arose from the mire of messaging I began to feel that there had to be some way that I can discover some lifeline of truth through my own direct experience.
A few days ago I came across a book by Ralph Metzner, a colleague of Timothy Leary many years back. I was drawn to what he wrote regarding the desire to search in an authentic way. His suggestion that a good place to start the process of discovering, “why we are here” may involve questioning and setting aside traditional ideas and concepts was something I agree is helpful although I was not fortunate enough to discover it in one easy step. In some ways I had to refine my rebellious disposition into one of contemplative questioning. From there came a quality of getting in touch with what there is already known about the self, prior to the forgetting which was created by the spell that cultural conditioning holds over us. Investigation and inquiring into the nature of human consciousness was helpful in developing a more intimate and personal process of discovery and of understanding.
Ultimately, its not that Ive come to a clear literate understanding of why I am here but that there is an emerging awareness through the fog that love is inseparable from life and in opening to something more authentic within, I am unfolding from that in a more loving and full way despite setbacks and blockages and pain that living inevitably brings. There is a felt sense that these are the challenges if life and this is where we experience growth and where we evolve.