So these days I spend more of my time doing what I need to do to orient myself more deeply within, looking to open to something of essence, which is no easy task considering that I have, so early in life, been intensely trained to be closed to these things. This focus within has been fuelled, to a large degree by a desire for truth and the realization that my thinking about things, has never been what I thought it was.
A challenge has been to ultimately face what has been perceived to be unbearable, that my thinking has distracted me from, that has been diverted to the sub conscious. In bringing awareness to what I have so readily diverted from, avoided, ignored, and denied my direct experience I am better oriented to what us true if my experience. In learning to be more attentive to what is, I learn to be with what is unpleasant, understanding the relevance of attending to what is real, despite my habitual urges and emotions that are averse to that.
I discover wholeness in that opening and with that an expanded awareness and living of life that emanates from the heart in a shower of energy charging my life experience, feeling and emoting more than I have known. There is a more enduring joy in suddenly rediscovering a lost compassion for myself and for others who struggle with the same life search and attempt to move beyond cultural limitation. The realization and wonder of my humanity and my unique place in it is difficult to express. It is a rather divine revelation to encounter this intimate self and life that comes with an awareness that joy and suffering are not as opposite as I learned to believe they were and that the perception of separation that we have come to know in our dualistic world in general is a delusion.