I am driven at times by a subtle urge to search for something that I am not so clearly aware of. Maybe it is simply an endlessly arising curiosity, without intent to resolve anything specific. But it most certainly seems at times that something is amiss.
In my 65th year, there is something of me that is easily tired, that desires comfort and ease in life more than I used to. But it quickly becomes clear that this does not bring satisfaction and the urge to be engaged in the natural mystery of life calls me back.. The impulse to turn to what nature offers is more influential than ever.
I am more in need of rest and contemplation these days but I utilize those moments to engage in a meditative, contemplative experience and not in resorting to busyness to distract me as I once did. Its not satisfying enough to be complacently engaged in meaningless activity which seems to serve more as a distraction from conscious awareness. The contemplative life that I have nurtured makes complacency difficult. I am constantly brought back to presence. There is as well the increased ongoing awareness of human folly and destructiveness of ego oriented perception, actions and solutions to problems. I am overwhelmingly aware at times of how humans have come to live fragmented lives and the toll it has taken on other species and the planet.
Increasingly I realize that destructive consequences seem to be a result of a separation from self and simultaneously from nature and much of my focus is about reconnecting to what I have forgotten of that. There seems to be a compassion and caring that emanates from fostering that connection however slowly and apprehensively I embrace it. Its the intensification in sensitivity and sense of vulnerability that arises with this that is somewhat unbearable at times. At other times when I allow myself to settle into it I am enabled to realize what it is that has been missing.