Inner Preparation

Etsy Hilessum wrote in her book ” An Interrupted Life” that “the greatest cause of suffering in so many of our people is their utter lack of inner preparation “. In my own preparation, contemplation plays a big part. It helps me to face myself and my own intellect and as well to examine the world. There is no guarantee that I will see what I need to see in order to open to deeper truth. If I do remain blind to truth, as I age and my ability to survive decreases, “how I will die” will inevitably show me who I am.

Inward contemplation has enabled me to realize that I encounter difficulty in relationship with others in my reliance on conventional and habitual ways and the denial and ignorance that they promote. In a reliance on these ways, one never moves past the superficial veneer of self and the complacency that arises in this. They filter our experience in a way that we no longer experience life directly, from a place of passion and sensuality. Assumptions dominate in this insulated way of being becomes and distort my reality. In the blindness I project fault and insecurity onto the world and other.

In awareness I realize the separation and disconnection from what is more authentic and the self conscious sensitivity  and fragmented perception that emerges from that disconnection.

In meditation I realize that the imagination is essential to my experience as a human. In my habitual, conditioned way I am frozen and not in a place of flowing. In preparing myself I am free in feeling and action, even amidst great pain and hurt. I learn to live with a hurting heart rather than a closed one, learning that with spontaneous skill and love we can stay present to the wound of pain and that there is a flow through the suffering .

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