There is a part of the soul that stirs at night, in the dark and soundless times of day, when our defenses are down and our daylight distractions no longer serve to protect us from ourselves. What we suppress in the light emerges clearly in the dusk. It’s then, in the still of life, when we least expect it, that questions emerge from the damp murkiness of our inner underworld. – Anne Lamont
In my aging, diminished physicality there is an increased realization of the futility of taking refuge in a personal and familiar, yet limited, sense of identity. In that realization I am left wandering and wondering at times as to how I should entertain my self. So much of my time before was spent in propping and bolstering that identity. As a result of the journey of self discovery that I have embraced I am inspired to turn my focus towards inner realizations rather than towards my past preoccupation with external phenomenon. Although at times I find myself in darkness, accepting that I don’t know what I will discover, something more is inevitably revealed in that shift. There is a more intimate seeing of those parts of me that have been broken, as a result of my obsessive striving to survive in the ways of a surface existence. My spirit came into this world within the narrow confines of the world with which it found itself. Given that, more than half of the life I have lived, has been with the belief that there was no other perceived resource in terms of a choice of how I should exist in the living of life. I lived in a practical way from that, but, now I seem to be outgrowing it seeing that life is more than what I knew it to be and in the lifting of that old filter, a revelation of the consequences for having attached to that particular creation seem to be increasingly apparent.
I am broken and incomplete as is our planet. How I have lived my life has contributed to that. There is fear encountered at the same time as there is the stirring of the soul, in letting go of that familiar shell and it’s ways and any perceived crisis can enable it’s quick return although, something more adapted to a more authentic existence appears at moments that I am aware enough to relax habitual impulses. In that awareness I permit myself to settle into a more natural, authentic and encompassing way of being aware that there is the other side of death.