Expressing my Own Experience – Aware of Being Aware

Meditation takes me to a place where I am more aware of my every day, habitual, and unconscious thinking that seems to be part of a learned way. I am more aware of how much of my energy is invested in coping with an underlying sense of existential insecurity. Almost all thoughts arise from this providing a superficial snd delusional sense of security. In meditation I attend more to that sense of vulnerability directly and not to the unconscious effort to superficially minimize it.

I understand that the aversion to the experience of vulnerability is a conditioned phenomenon and why many might find the experience as undesirable turning to conventional interventions to resolve the discomfort. They perceive it as a symptom of something amiss, treating it as something pathological . This serves only to limit perceptual experience and contributes to a greater felt sense of alienation and isolation and to impede a natural unfolding. As James Hillman writes “to get rid of the symptom means to get rid of the chance to gain what may one day be of greatest value, even if at first an unbearable irritant, lowly, and disguised.”

What this vulnerability is, I can not define. It seems to have something to do with a fear of the unknown. Grasping on to a perceived known identity that is however incomplete and fragmented, yet finite and complete in its perception, insulates me from insecurity. A consequence being that something is lost in the somewhat rigid, closed and confining in this approach to living and diligent attention is required to maintain insulation from insecurity which perpetuates disconection and isolation.

In entering into the vulnerability there has been a dimension of entering into a place of felt nakedness as the belief in self that has provided “me” with some sense of superficial security is shedded. In letting go of something that is of questionable substance, something more fundamental and authentic of myself is revealed. In meditation I see beyond the conditioning and the self definition At the same time I am left with how to cope with the sensitivity and that I now experience when I no longer cling to a pseudo armour that has become so familiar.

This insight enables the realization that the material reality that I have lived, was mind-made all along. Conventional wisdom focused on resolving these symptoms is not a way that truth is illuminated. As James Hillman says “It may be the curing away of the soul.”. Sensitivity arising is something to be entered into; an embracing and exploration of experience. There is something more fundamental and profound in existence that is discovered in this way that has not been realized through past efforts to remove, alter or to divert from that experience. A transformation occurs as something more of a life essence is experienced and embraced. Settling into it that includes a more expansive realization of my place in existence. An inherent sense of curiosity and creativity are freed in opening. A focus on meeting more basic needs is as well present but within a context of realizing the bigger picture and my roll of “being” in and a part of that. Its not that I have achieved an ultimate understanding but that there is a newer realization that in openness there is endless unfolding.

A H Almaas writes: This essential activation is the freedom of being, of our true nature, to manifest its myriad possibilities and move us through various awakenings and realizations.

“MY” MIND OR COSMIC MIND?

In a dualist setup, “my” mind is different from cosmic mind. It’s much smaller, for one thing, and its viewpoint is limited to the experiences I’ve had since birth. Yet if we abandon the illusion of separation, there is no need to choose either/ or.The mind feels personal and at the same time it is cosmic. Imagine that you are a single electron flickering in and out of the quantum vacuum. As a single particle you feel like “me,” an individual. But in reality you are an activity of the quantum field, and in your guise as a wave instead of a particle, you exist everywhere. In our daily lives we are accustomed to feel like individuals while overlooking that at another level,every person is an activity of the universe. What is true for an electron is true for structures like the human body that are constructed from electrons (and other elementary particles). When you live in separation, ignoring your holistic self, life resembles presliced bread. The urge to divide and subdivide allowed science to claim, quite falsely, that objectivity and subjectivity were entirely different, with objectivity being the superior part. But the quantum era abolished this neat division, and reality started to lead in a new direction—the very things we’ve covered in the preceding chapters.

From You and the Universe Are One By Menas Kafatos and Deepak Chopra

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Mainz

Last weekend Iris and I were in Mainz Germany. It is a fabulously old city with origins back to 15 BC. The Romans first set up an out post there at that time. The local domed church is an enormous construction over a thousand years old. It amazes one to see such a structure built so long ago and still being used. Parts of the Roman aqueduct still stand.

My Neediness

Being needy! I understand that we all have a neediness at the core of our personality. I certainly do. It arises often. These days,I think increased awareness allows me to see it more clearly and not to take it as seriously as I once did but it still presents itself.
One thing I find changing, is that whenever I do a meditation I enter a state of being extremely sensitive, almost unpleasantly. There seems to be a feeling of vulnerability and in that place I am affected by things so much more easily. The difference these days is that I see it all so much more clearly. There is something about learning to live in this place that enables me to see more of myself and the world and to understand my connections in a different way than I have known. In the past I was consumed with my own unseen needs and desires.
I still do, sometimes, easily react from a place of neediness, habitually wanting to reduce the vulnerability and sensitivity but I see more clearly, where it comes from. So in my awareness I am learning to be there with this, coming back into the vulnerability. I now realize that this is not a place to be fixed or eliminated but to be learned and explored and to live from. It seems to open me to an expanded, not so defended and protected awareness.

The World We Have

We have constructed a system we can’t control. It imposes itself on us, and we become its slaves and victims.

We have created a society in which the rich become richer and the poor become poorer, and in which we are so caught up in our own immediate problems that we cannot afford to be aware of what is going on with the rest of the human family or our planet Earth.

In my mind I see a group of chickens in a cage disputing over a few seeds of grain, unaware that in a few hours they will all be killed.

– Thich Nhat Hanh, in “The World we Have”.